This is a common response after a client chats with me where I share how the mind works
“Wow I never heard such things before and it’s mindblowing!”
“Your information is new to me, yet it all makes sense”
“Now everything makes sense, I can’t believe it!”
Of course, different people with different issues will require different techniques and solutions
That’s given
I’m just going to focus on one thing today
Which is not only important
But not usual to what we know of
So it boggles the mind for a bit XD
The focus for today is on forgiveness
Now, let’s disregard the meaning of forgiveness in psychological context first ok?
This is because most people have a concept or idea of forgiveness and what is it about
And it is this concept or idea which most people will follow or know of
Which, ironically, is more often wrong
Aiya~ Don’t go away la~ Hear me finish then decide whether it makes sense or not hahaaha
What’s the common idea of forgiveness?
We go back to preschool time~
When a child does something wrong to another child, very often the child is instructed to do the following:
- Say sorry or I’m sorry
- Shake hands or hug
- Give the toy back (if snatched) or give a gift later
- Be friends again
Of course there might be other things instructed to the child to do
But essentially, that’s the forgiveness process we all know about yea?
Say sorry, buy flowers for the girl (or food for the guy), chit chat and be friends again
However, what might be going through the child’s mind at the point in time?
“I just do this so mummy, daddy, teacher don’t scold me”
If you think from their point of view, it’s not wrong right?
And that’s… the thing…
We can see clearly how the instructions for forgiveness play out in our adult lives
In another instance, I had a Muslim ask me
“Hey McKing, every year during Raya, I ask for forgiveness from my parents, yet why do I still feel angry and hatred towards them?”
“Because that is for show, if you recall what I shared about the kids in preschool”
“Yea ah… it’s really just for show only…”, he nodded
This is possible because most of us do not understand the core true meaning of forgiveness…
What will happen then?
The child (now adult) will continue to do the mistake, bad thing, etc because the action of forgiveness didn’t translate to the heart!
And that’s why you get people saying sorry sorry and still committing the same mistake!
Now you know why I say this common idea or concept of forgiveness is wrong
So what is the true meaning of forgiveness?
Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.
Taken from: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition
That’s the psychological definition of forgiveness
And the way I share forgiveness to my clients is…
True forgiveness is the release of the hurts and pains that they put onto you, of any behaviours or patterns that were placed upon you and they are no longer helpful to you, whether intentionally or unintentionally
And you can read more in my previous article on forgiveness
Forgiveness is ultimately a release, and a healing process, for yourself, not for the other people
And it comes from the heart, yet doesn’t mean it come from love
If you were abused by your grandfather for example, and he has passed away now, yet you still carry the hurt and pain, or sadness etc
Then the forgiveness of your grandfather, will release you from the psychological and emotional hold that the abuse he did has on you
However if the client knows that forgiveness is necessary when the abuser has passed on and yet, the client is still suffering side effects
That is because in the heart, the client could not, do not want, or don’t know how to let go and forgive
The client might say words to feel better, or to make others feel better, but internally they have not forgiven
I briefly mentioned it doesn’t have to come from love either
We can love someone and yet not forgive them, similarly, we can hate someone and yet forgive them
This is because true forgiveness is a release for ourselves, not for them
If there is any love involved, its probably the love for yourself
In order to heal and be a happier version of you
Thus when one truly forgive someone from the heart, the negative emotions are no longer present
Now let’s we look at the second part of my definition
Then you might realize that I mentioned about behaviours and patterns too
This is because some behaviours and patterns do not have emotional attachments (some do of course)
And yet my process of true forgiveness can still help release and heal my clients
For example, I had a client come to see me because he had the urge to cheat, and he cheated on his wife like every 3 days
We isolated to his dad, where his dad’s cheating pattern was learnt by my client’s unconscious mind when he was a child
So we did a forgiveness process to release the cheating pattern
And he stopped cheating (I kid you not)
A gentle reminder that hypnosis works best when the client want to resolve their issues and he really wanted to resolve his cheating issue~
Meaning if your husband cheats but he don’t want to resolve it, then you can bring him to me but it wouldn’t work very well…
Because intrinsically, he doesn’t want to stop cheating even though extrinsically he will say to you he will stop cheating so that you will forgive him
Although I use a guy as an example, girls can and do cheat too
And you check this out to understand some unknown reasons for why people cheat
Of course, to be able to release something like a cheating pattern will mean that true forgiveness transcends emotion
There is no love, nor hate, when it comes to forgiveness
Honestly, as long as you start to realize that your original idea of forgiveness isn’t quite right, then you too can begin your own healing journey
If you can accept what I just shared with you straight away that will be the best, but if you cannot, it is ok to take some time too
Some of my clients do some self reflections at home
The above reflection was from a client who realized her issues stem from her parents, and she has kindly given permission for me to share
So that perhaps you too might draw some insights 🙂
Some clients reflect on the spot
This client went home and realized and understood an important concept
She was upset and affected by her parents abandonment of her, and yet, she knows it can affect her kids
And that is why she has decided to stop the cycle from continuing by resolving the issues within herself
PS I’m glad to hear from her about how she is now calm in situations where before she might act out or have a breakdown (I’m waiting a while before if she is ok to give a testimonial hehe)
And that’s why we talk about true forgiveness and why we do it during the hypnosis too
It’s to give a deeper understanding about the mind, our issues, forgiveness if we need it and more
Honestly, if you know how to forgive on your own, then you probably do not need to see me 😀
All I want for you is to have a greater awareness for yourself, because I know that will be the start of your personal healing journey 🙂
