Of course in this case the unknown perspective is my perspective
I toggled with this idea (or theory) for a while now
Since 2020 after going through a break up I decided to analyse my past relationships and why they didn’t work out
Each relationship had their own reasons of course
But you see, humans run in patterns
That’s just how our minds work
And if I just use my experience that might be a bit skewed
So I looked at some of my clients’ relationships too
Well, those who shared with me anyway
And that was where I become to draw the links to form an idea
You can jump to the end of this article if you want to know the idea first
Otherwise you can continue reading to have some general knowledge and awareness of the human mind and relationships
We start with our childhood
Or our parents to be exact
Pretty much everything starts with our parents hahaha
But it is important
Anyway, generally speaking, boys learn from their fathers how to be a man and they learn from their mothers what to look for in a girl
Vice versa, girls learn from their mothers how to be a woman and learn from their father what to look for in a guy
Of course, there will be individual unique experiences that can tweak a trait this way or that way such as single parent families or same gendered parents
Now this also means that how the parents interact with each other could potentially form the basis for the children’s future relationships as well
This means that if the parents had a distant relationship, or a lack of communication with each other, it is possible for their children’s relationship to be reflected in a similar way
Whereas if the parents had a loving relationship, the children’s relationship will be loving as well
However, if the child think the parents have a loving relationship, but the truth is that it is not a loving relationship, then the future of the child’s relationship will reflect that as well
For example, I got cases where the client might share that their parents are very loving towards each other, however the childhood had many memories of arguments, fights and abuse, which technically isn’t that loving
Whether or not the client was deluding themselves from the harsh reality, the current situation is usually a repeat of the true patterns
Anyway, if I go into the nitty gritty, the best analysis is individually done
The above is just a general guide
We naturally have to account for variations
Wait! But I don’t want to be like my parents!
Yes yes I’m getting to that
It is entirely possible that you might have notice some negative behaviours of your parents and you don’t want to be like them
You can choose to change
That is possible
However, depending on what the negative behaviour or trait is, and depending on what you did in order to change it, the success varies
Let’s say one of your parents cheated and you don’t want to cheat, so you avoid the possibilities of cheating as much as possible and this is successfully done
In another instance, you attempt to avoid, however you end up with a partner who is insecure and keep accusing you of cheating even if you didn’t (this is a slight variation of the original pattern)
Or perhaps you often see your parents argue and you choose to remain calm throughout
Yet it might still trigger you into anger when your spouse does some strange or irritating things
Hold on a second ok?
Yes, even though what I am suggesting is that patterns repeat themselves, it doesn’t mean they cannot change
You need the right method to solve the problem
Using a screwdriver to hammer in a nail can get the job done poorly
The nail does go in… but crooked
But we are not going into the solutions for now
(You know where to find me)
Today is more of learning, awareness and opening new insights!
So you understand where some of our relationship patterns might come from
And yes, if you are looking to date, you can look at your potential’s parents
If you know what they are like, you can get a sense of what your date might be like in a relationship
Generally speaking, with possible slight variations
Anyway, now we come to the new idea
Ok what’s new?
Getting back to the main topic
After looking at my own relationships and my clients’ relationships
I had this idea that…
What if relationships only work out or last long if the number of issues for each person is about the same?
What this means is that if the guy has 4 issues, the partner will have approximately 3 to 5 issues in order for it to work out or last long
If the girl has 8 issues, the partner will have 7 to 9 issues
This can also mean that if the guy has 7 issues but the girl only has 2 issues, then a few things might occur
- They break up for whatever reason
- The one with more issues realize they need therapy so he/she starts resolving issues to reach a balance
- The one with more issues decide to create issues in the one with lesser issues so they will be balanced
I know what you are thinking, this sounds weird, it’s impossible, what?
Have a thought experiment with me ok?
If someone has low self-esteem (disregard the idea that everyone want to solve their problem for now ok?) and they look for a partner, what will they be looking for?
Yes, they might want someone who is confident but here lies the problem
If the partner is too confident, the one will low self esteem might feel worse and thus break up
Or the one with low self-esteem is so low that the confident one might feel irritated and scold, which causes the self-esteem to go lower
Of course it is possible for the person with low self-esteem to use the confidence of the partner to seek therapy or attend self improvement courses
Which is the same 3 things I just described!
What about other examples?
Someone who is naive and gullible will often be taken advantage of, and sometimes they might find a partner who takes advantage of them in different ways
One might take money or use the gullible one to pay off their debts, another might abuse for sexual purposes
Another might be a chronic liar or even cheat on the gullible one
If and when you understand this, you can look at your current and past relationships, as well as reflect upon yourself
Because if you keep encountering the same pattern of person, then yes the issue might stem from your unconscious beliefs or patterns
Which might come from your parents or other stuff
From there, you begin to be aware what needs to be resolved, what needs to change
Otherwise you know, the future will repeat itself