I Don’t Blame My Parents… Do I?

blame parents or not

Ok hold on hold on, I’m not saying you blame your parents, and I don’t blame them either

It’s just that when growing up, certain things got imprinted inside you, you know?

And those things turn into various issues in your life right now

Well ok if this doesn’t make sense to you, we got to start from the very beginning

This is about forgiveness!

Yes I know you don’t hate your parents or blame them, although let’s be fair…

Some people when growing up were abused, traumatized, or wounded by their parents… and they may have some anger or hate towards them

That is fine, this is implacable to everyone

Whether you had a good childhood or a bad childhood, there are quite a few stuff that we learn from our parents

And again, it can be good or bad

Ranging from behaviours and traits, to personality and character, beliefs and values

To different aspects of love, career, health and so on

Let’s do a thought experiment

Find a couple of behaviours, patterns, or beliefs in an aspect of your life

Can be anything, and see if you see a similar pattern or trend with your parents

Find at least 1 positive trait and 1 negative one, that you learnt from either parent and how it currently is like in your life

While you are thinking, I’ll share a couple other stories of clients and cases

So there was this girl whose father was a businessman and knew how to make lots of money

The problem was, he cheated on his wife

So what did the girl learn from him?

She learnt how to make a lot of money through her business, but encountered several cheating boyfriends (or ex boyfriends) and also cheated herself

Now I’m only sharing just 1 each for now, there are several other traits she probably learnt of course

A guy grew up with an abusive father, so he was an easily angered person (thankfully he wasn’t physically abusive like the dad)

He learnt from his mom to be kind, and good, and ethical to people

Yes, he only learnt the anger from the dad although also yes, he kinda hated his dad for the abuse…

And who can blame him?

A lady found herself capable and strong, and independent like her mum

Yet she also found herself to be only attracted to men who were unavailable

In her case, it is because during her childhood, her dad was physically and emotionally unavailable

Alright

Now that you heard a couple of other cases

Although they were rather brief

What did you find in yourself that is similar to something from your parents?

Is it about money? Or relationship?

How to love? Or work ethics?

If you did the little activity and found a connection

Presentation surprised girl

Congrats!

Congrats because if you didn’t know it before, you know it now

And being aware of a pattern (especially the negative one) allows you to take that first step towards change and healing yourself

Provided you want to change and heal yourself of course

Shrug

Anyway, if you like, you can write out a list of positive and negative stuff you see a similarity with your parents

Although if for some strange reason you do not see any similarity, there could be a few possibilities

One is that you didn’t learn from your parents

Say perhaps you were adopted so you may or may not learn from your birth or adoptive parents

It can get a bit complex depending on what age too

That’s a whole different ball game

Another possibility is that whatever trauma or abuse you experience, cause a warp in what you learn from your parents

If I use the example of the man above who was abused by his dad, it is also possible he develop a fear of men or authority cause his dad was “a fearful authority”

There are a lot of variations, but for now, if the above is true, he may develop more “fearful” tendencies rather than “anger” tendencies

Yet another possible reason you don’t see similarity is because the similarity is minute

It’s very small and slight

I need to give another example

A boy came to me with OCD, but his OCD wasn’t the usual cleaning, counting or checking

He will send multiple emails to his teacher to assure himself whether she received the homework

Yes, this is considered a type of OCD

So then I asked the parents, “Which one of you like to lock and unlock and lock and unlock and lock and unlock the door before you leave?”

Dad laughed and pointed at mum, while mum quickly retorted that she just wanted to make sure the house is safe!

Yea I totally get that but here’s the thing

The child saw the mum’s repeated behaviour to feel safe, and replicated it in another form

Hence a similar that is slight, but on the surface you cannot tell he learn from his mum!

Especially since the mum (or the dad) didn’t see the multiple unlocking/ locking as a problem

You know what?

If you are still unsure yet curious to find out about yourself, you can always text me here

Anyway, let’s continue

Presentation Lee McKing and THINK

What does forgiveness have to do with this?

You see, a lot of people don’t realize this but forgiveness is never about the other person

It’s about you

It’s about releasing the negative behaviours from you, releasing the burdens and hurts and pains, and being free from all of that stuff

Because intentionally or unintentionally, we learn it from our parents

Intentionally or unintentionally, our parents put stuff onto us

Total unawareness

Unknowingly

You get the picture

So yea, if they didn’t know what they were doing, how can we blame them?

Some will still blame, don’t get me wrong

That is because the behaviours is terrible

Gosh if you know what I know, what I hear from some of my clients

The abuse, ranging from physical to sexual

And yes, can be from either parents, it’s not isolated

Or traumas they got out of such a childhood

So some may blame, and I don’t fault them for it honestly

A lady did a regression and returned to age 16 where she was beaten, battered, bruised by her mum one day for seemingly no reason

And she herself was filled with rage saying, “how can a mother do this to her own child?!”

She couldn’t forgive the mum…. which I completely understand

I could help her with her other issues like anger, but that hatred of her mum… for now she needs a bit more time

Anyway, yes, forgiveness is about releasing and healing yourself, first and foremost

Like this lady I just mentioned, if she didn’t see me, well she was already experiencing some of the issues really

Her anger was getting into her way of relationship and work

She flares up and explodes violently

Which she saw as a problem, and that’s why she came to see me

Presentation Lee McKing guilt abortion miscarriage

Can you see how she is hurting herself?

Now, she could release her anger, but she wasn’t ready to forgive her mum

Yes we need some time sometimes

This means her strained relationship with her mum will still persists

And even if it doesn’t translate into new anger that might affect her 10 years from now

It may cause her to regret not having closure with her mum, if and when the mum passes away (let’s be factual, that is a possibility)

Also, if and when she has a child, she might exhibit the hate and new anger to her daughter (in particular) which can create more issues only this time, in her child as well

Yea yea?

I think we are pretty clear what can happen when we don’t forgive

And forgiveness isn’t as simple as… “hey, I hug you to forgive you”

Or “let me buy you lunch so you forgive me”

No no it doesn’t work that way

Some may, but most don’t

Sadly

I want you to imagine this

Imagine a person, and he has either a backpack or a knives in him, or both

The backpack is what his parents did (or didn’t do) to him that created load, burdens, and stress and it gets heavier and heavier over time as he ages

The knives will represent abuse, trauma, hurts and pains that his parents did to him since young

And cause this is his mental image of himself in the unconscious mind

He cannot let go of the backpack nor remove the knives by himself!

OMG

So if he encounters people that throw a little knife at him, it enters one of the big knife wounds left by mum or dad and OMG it bloody hurts~!

Or when certain patterns or burdens repeat itself and it gets poured into the backpack that’s already so heavy, ahh

Speaking of that, some people may feel overwhelmed because of this backpack or even have no energy to work

This person has to expend huge amounts of energy to carry this backpack (in the mind) and move from bedroom to living room already!

How then can he have energy to work? Think? Make a cup of coffee?

Lying in bed feels so much better cause if you are carrying a load that you cannot let go, lying down definitely feels much better doesn’t it?

Oh hey, doesn’t that sound like depression too?

At least one aspect of it

So yea, the stuff we carry on ourselves, in our minds, that are imprinted from our parents, can have a toil of us, especially if it has a negative impact

Ironically, there may be certain traits that seem positive but have a negative impact on us

Well, look at the OCD case again if you know what I mean

And forgiveness, or what I call a True Forgiveness Process, is about releasing that backpack

It’s about taking the knives out and healing those wounds

It’s never about them

It’s about you

It has always been about you

And how you can live a much more healthier, happier, fruitful life

Whether it’s with regards to relationship and love, family and friends, career and money, and so on

And they can be dead too, or don’t live in the same country (sounds weird but yea, because it’s not about them)

You do not have to meet them or say “I love you” to them (in particular this is for the ones who have had a really bad childhood ok?)

Because whether or not you blame your parents for stuff that happened, they already happened (sometime sad yet true) and right now my friend, the biggest concern you want to think about, is whether you are ready to forgive them so you can heal for yourself

Above all else, love yourself first

Heal yourself, and you can heal the people around you (or don’t haha just focus on healing yourself ah~)

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