Ok hold on hold on, I’m not saying you blame your parents, and I don’t blame them either
It’s just that when growing up, certain things got imprinted inside you, you know?
And those things turn into various issues in your life right now
Well ok if this doesn’t make sense to you, we got to start from the very beginning
This is about forgiveness!
Yes I know you don’t hate your parents or blame them, although let’s be fair…
Some people when growing up were abused, traumatized, or wounded by their parents… and they may have some anger or hate towards them
That is fine, this is implacable to everyone
Whether you had a good childhood or a bad childhood, there are quite a few stuff that we learn from our parents
And again, it can be good or bad
Ranging from behaviours and traits, to personality and character, beliefs and values
To different aspects of love, career, health and so on
Let’s do a thought experiment
Find a couple of behaviours, patterns, or beliefs in an aspect of your life
Can be anything, and see if you see a similar pattern or trend with your parents
Find at least 1 positive trait and 1 negative one, that you learnt from either parent and how it currently is like in your life
While you are thinking, I’ll share a couple other stories of clients and cases
So there was this girl whose father was a businessman and knew how to make lots of money
The problem was, he cheated on his wife
So what did the girl learn from him?
She learnt how to make a lot of money through her business, but encountered several cheating boyfriends (or ex boyfriends) and also cheated herself
Now I’m only sharing just 1 each for now, there are several other traits she probably learnt of course
A guy grew up with an abusive father, so he was an easily angered person (thankfully he wasn’t physically abusive like the dad)
He learnt from his mom to be kind, and good, and ethical to people
Yes, he only learnt the anger from the dad although also yes, he kinda hated his dad for the abuse…
And who can blame him?
A lady found herself capable and strong, and independent like her mum
Yet she also found herself to be only attracted to men who were unavailable
In her case, it is because during her childhood, her dad was physically and emotionally unavailable
Now that you heard a couple of other cases
Although they were rather brief
What did you find in yourself that is similar to something from your parents?
Is it about money? Or relationship?
How to love? Or work ethics?
If you did the little activity and found a connection
Congrats because if you didn’t know it before, you know it now
And being aware of a pattern (especially the negative one) allows you to take that first step towards change and healing yourself
Provided you want to change and heal yourself of course
Anyway, if you like, you can write out a list of positive and negative stuff you see a similarity with your parents
Although if for some strange reason you do not see any similarity, there could be a few possibilities
One is that you didn’t learn from your parents
Say perhaps you were adopted so you may or may not learn from your birth or adoptive parents
It can get a bit complex depending on what age too
That’s a whole different ball game
Another possibility is that whatever trauma or abuse you experience, cause a warp in what you learn from your parents
If I use the example of the man above who was abused by his dad, it is also possible he develop a fear of men or authority cause his dad was “a fearful authority”
There are a lot of variations, but for now, if the above is true, he may develop more “fearful” tendencies rather than “anger” tendencies
Yet another possible reason you don’t see similarity is because the similarity is minute
It’s very small and slight
I need to give another example
A boy came to me with OCD, but his OCD wasn’t the usual cleaning, counting or checking
He will send multiple emails to his teacher to assure himself whether she received the homework
Yes, this is considered a type of OCD
So then I asked the parents, “Which one of you like to lock and unlock and lock and unlock and lock and unlock the door before you leave?”
Dad laughed and pointed at mum, while mum quickly retorted that she just wanted to make sure the house is safe!
Yea I totally get that but here’s the thing
The child saw the mum’s repeated behaviour to feel safe, and replicated it in another form
Hence a similar that is slight, but on the surface you cannot tell he learn from his mum!
Especially since the mum (or the dad) didn’t see the multiple unlocking/ locking as a problem
You know what?
If you are still unsure yet curious to find out about yourself, you can always text me here
Anyway, let’s continue
What does forgiveness have to do with this?
You see, a lot of people don’t realize this but forgiveness is never about the other person
It’s about you
It’s about releasing the negative behaviours from you, releasing the burdens and hurts and pains, and being free from all of that stuff
Because intentionally or unintentionally, we learn it from our parents
Intentionally or unintentionally, our parents put stuff onto us
You get the picture
So yea, if they didn’t know what they were doing, how can we blame them?
Some will still blame, don’t get me wrong
That is because the behaviours is terrible
Gosh if you know what I know, what I hear from some of my clients
The abuse, ranging from physical to sexual
And yes, can be from either parents, it’s not isolated
Or traumas they got out of such a childhood
So some may blame, and I don’t fault them for it honestly
A lady did a regression and returned to age 16 where she was beaten, battered, bruised by her mum one day for seemingly no reason
And she herself was filled with rage saying, “how can a mother do this to her own child?!”
She couldn’t forgive the mum…. which I completely understand
I could help her with her other issues like anger, but that hatred of her mum… for now she needs a bit more time
Anyway, yes, forgiveness is about releasing and healing yourself, first and foremost
Like this lady I just mentioned, if she didn’t see me, well she was already experiencing some of the issues really
Her anger was getting into her way of relationship and work
She flares up and explodes violently
Which she saw as a problem, and that’s why she came to see me
Can you see how she is hurting herself?
Now, she could release her anger, but she wasn’t ready to forgive her mum
Yes we need some time sometimes
This means her strained relationship with her mum will still persists
And even if it doesn’t translate into new anger that might affect her 10 years from now
It may cause her to regret not having closure with her mum, if and when the mum passes away (let’s be factual, that is a possibility)
Also, if and when she has a child, she might exhibit the hate and new anger to her daughter (in particular) which can create more issues only this time, in her child as well
I think we are pretty clear what can happen when we don’t forgive
And forgiveness isn’t as simple as… “hey, I hug you to forgive you”
Or “let me buy you lunch so you forgive me”
No no it doesn’t work that way
Some may, but most don’t
I want you to imagine this
Imagine a person, and he has either a backpack or a knives in him, or both
The backpack is what his parents did (or didn’t do) to him that created load, burdens, and stress and it gets heavier and heavier over time as he ages
The knives will represent abuse, trauma, hurts and pains that his parents did to him since young
And cause this is his mental image of himself in the unconscious mind
He cannot let go of the backpack nor remove the knives by himself!
So if he encounters people that throw a little knife at him, it enters one of the big knife wounds left by mum or dad and OMG it bloody hurts~!
Or when certain patterns or burdens repeat itself and it gets poured into the backpack that’s already so heavy, ahh
Speaking of that, some people may feel overwhelmed because of this backpack or even have no energy to work
This person has to expend huge amounts of energy to carry this backpack (in the mind) and move from bedroom to living room already!
How then can he have energy to work? Think? Make a cup of coffee?
Lying in bed feels so much better cause if you are carrying a load that you cannot let go, lying down definitely feels much better doesn’t it?
Oh hey, doesn’t that sound like depression too?
At least one aspect of it
So yea, the stuff we carry on ourselves, in our minds, that are imprinted from our parents, can have a toil of us, especially if it has a negative impact
Ironically, there may be certain traits that seem positive but have a negative impact on us
Well, look at the OCD case again if you know what I mean
And forgiveness, or what I call a True Forgiveness Process, is about releasing that backpack
It’s about taking the knives out and healing those wounds
It’s never about them
It’s about you
It has always been about you
And how you can live a much more healthier, happier, fruitful life
Whether it’s with regards to relationship and love, family and friends, career and money, and so on
And they can be dead too, or don’t live in the same country (sounds weird but yea, because it’s not about them)
You do not have to meet them or say “I love you” to them (in particular this is for the ones who have had a really bad childhood ok?)
Because whether or not you blame your parents for stuff that happened, they already happened (sometime sad yet true) and right now my friend, the biggest concern you want to think about, is whether you are ready to forgive them so you can heal for yourself
Above all else, love yourself first
Heal yourself, and you can heal the people around you (or don’t haha just focus on healing yourself ah~)