First off, handling family conflict ain’t easy
But yes, it is possible to handle it well and resolve it completely
I will admit that it might be tricky if the other party doesn’t want to put in effort for a resolution
However, that does not stop you from reading and learning about conflict resolution
Now if you want to know about the conflict that arises in a relationship, then you can check this article out
In that article, I talk about the number 1 hidden destroyer of relationships, which honestly might break up a family too if it goes that far
Anyway, unlike a relationship where one might break up more easily, we can’t break our family bonds that easily
Especially when the conflict might arise between siblings, or parent and child, and we got to live through it as we grow up
So let’s look into some common family conflict that occurs, as well as how to resolve it smoothly
How does family conflict occur anyway?
There could be a multitude of reasons, and in fact, I want you to think back to your own family too
What possible reasons might have cause your family conflict?
Whether it be petty arguments, verbal or physical fights
Between spouses, siblings, or parent and child
Maybe even involving grandparents, or the in-laws
Perhaps an uncle or aunt, a cousin or two
Of course, the reason why I’m asking you to think back and recall, is for a learning purpose
Not to generate more negative emotions about them, and certainly not to create more family conflict between you all
When I look at my clients’ issues, I see a common reason for family conflict to occur
And hopefully, you agree with me as you look and think back as well
That number one reason is usually a misunderstanding between two parties
Now of course, misunderstanding can occur due to various other reasons, such as lack of clear communication, or poor communication, or even intentional deception of information among other things
Most if not all of which will lead to a huge misunderstanding that causes a fight, anger, resentment etc
And usually, we don’t clarify, whether it is because we fear to clarify, or we didn’t think to clarify
To be fair, people tend to generalize, delete, or distort information during communication to begin with, and naturally, this leads to misunderstanding
Which is why, if you ever chat with me before, you might find that I share a lot more information to help you get clear on what you are asking or want to know
Parents for example, tend to assume their children don’t know anything, or that whatever they decide the children have to follow without knowing what is happening
Naturally, that can create issues in the family
Case study of how miscommunication generates conflict
One of my client’s sent his son to a boarding school hoping he will study well, but the son thought the parents don’t want him anymore!
So he did “bad” behaviors which cause the parents to scold him, and that validate his beliefs, which causes a chain reaction into a negative spiral
Another shared how her mom told her sister to meet at a specific place at a certain timing, without clarifying that the time was changed by her brother to nearly 2 hours later!
I don’t know how her sister might have felt to be at the place 2 hour early for nothing, but possible emotions are angry, frustrated, or even resentment
In this case, the mom assumed a certain timing without checking, and thus potentially cause this issue to occur
Imagine two people want to meet at a specific place for a specific date and time, yet did not clarify the exact details
How infuriating right?
Of course, there are other possible core factors for conflict to occur, one strong factor is the family upbringing itself
This relates to the psychology or culture of the family
If the parents were brought up with anger, hate, and arguments, their children will grow up with such emotions as well
And generally, pass it down to their own children years later
Whether you want to call it the nature or the nurture element in such learnings, both definitely play a part here to some extent
A third strong contender is sibling rivalry
This is especially so when parents seem to favor one over the other, without proper explanation to the earlier child
This might cause the earlier child to feel a reduction in love and attention from the parents, and blame the new sibling, thus creating resentment towards them
Approaching family conflict
If we look at the above 3 reasons I shared, even sibling rivalry has elements of misunderstanding isn’t it?
Thus, having the clarity will break down family conflict easily
A word of caution, do not approach it like you are interrogating or accusing the other party
The tonality plays a huge role in this
Ideally, you got to come from a place of understanding, love and peace
Because we want to have open and clear communication, to have clarity regarding the issue, to clear the misunderstandings
So most definitely, do not speak with anger, and do not hold anger inside when you speak, because the other party can sense the anger too
The choice of words also does affect this
If you need to, focus on the behaviors and not the person
And of course, don’t be quick to blame or judge (if you haven’t already got the hint haah)
So if you are open and honest and coming from a loving (or neutral at minimum) place, seeking clarity, what else?
Give them space and time to share their thoughts and reason, and listen attentively
Don’t ask for the sake of asking and let their clarifications just fly over your head
You might share your honest reasons for concerns and if you want them to listen to you, listen to them too
That’s clear communication, communication is after all a two-way street
And honestly, it is really that simple
People are often blinded to themselves on what they do sometimes
Helping them to realize their blindspots can be a way for them to learn and grow too
How I managed a family conflict
Going back to the first example, of the parents sending the son to the boarding school
I had the opportunity to have the whole family sit with me and open with a non-judgmental discussion
So of course, that’s when the father shared how he sent his son to a boarding school, wanted him to have an education which he didn’t have, and yet the son so naughty and did “some bad things” to get expelled
I won’t share what bad things ok? haha~
After which, I asked his son, whether it was true, and he agreed he did those bad things to get expelled
The reason being he felt he was abandoned by his parents, that they don’t love him anymore that’s why they send him away, and he missed them so he did those bad things to get expelled so he can see and be with his parents again
Both parents were shocked upon hearing this, and the father said ‘”but we love you that’s why we sent you to a boarding school”
To add on, the father asked his son, why is he on the computer so often and his son replied that he is learning about “a certain industry” cause he want to take over the father’s business one day
Again, the father was shocked, as he thought his son was just playing on the computer and didn’t want to study at all
Before the chat with me, they had anger and frustration to each other, as well as feeling hurt and pain
And I believe you can see how the chat open themselves up to each other, being honest and clear, talking about their behaviors, moving towards a clarity that allowed everyone to defuse their conflict with each other, reaching an understanding of each other’s thoughts and emotions
There is no need for hypnosis in this case, just an open and honest communication with each other
And that my friend, is how to handle a family conflict and resolve it cleanly
Feel free to drop a PM through the purple chat button here or on my Facebook if you have any enquiry
