You probably know this already but for those who don’t, co-sleeping is when a parent or caregiver sleep with the child in the same bed or room
Naturally there are pros and cons to this as compared to the child sleeping in their own room and it feels like this is a big topic that I am going to share with you
Because surprise, this one little thing can make huge changes to life, whether you are the parent or the child
Probably not so much to the caregiver, sort of depends who is the caregiver I suppose
I’m going to break down the pros and cons for the parents and the child separately with some online research and some are my opinions based on my observations of my clients
Do keep an open mind and feel free to form your own beliefs about co-sleeping, whether it is good or bad for you or your child
Alright, let’s get into it~
The Cons Of Co-sleeping
For the child
First off, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) does not recommend co-sleeping and in particular bed-sharing because there are risks involved
Especially for infants, the adult might roll over onto the infant, or the infant might suffocate on the pillow leading to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)
Thus it is safer if your infant has their own crib to sleep in, even if you are all sleeping in the same room
On top of that, there may be psychological issues that affects your child, such as a delay in the child’s independence or developing sleep issues
Two female clients came to me with insomnia after their divorce
This is because growing up, their dad slept with them and this planted an idea or a belief in their unconscious mind, causing them to only be able to sleep when there is a man sleeping with them
Another version will be the requirement to have someone with you when you sleep, similar to Selina Jen of S.H.E
This research found that children who had late-onset and persistent co-sleeping in the same bed had shorter sleep at night and took longer daytime naps
They are also more likely to snore and have difficulty sleeping later on in life
Late-onset co-sleeping here meant that the baby was sleeping alone, then after some time, co-sleep with the parents later
Then of course it is also possible for the child to develop an unhealthy dependency on the parent or parents
Which may also cause a similar dependency pattern in their relationship
One of my client’s shared that her mom slept with her while her dad slept in another room and in her relationship, she has this clingy behavior with the boyfriend
If left unresolved, it has the potential to develop into toxicity too
But it can get worse…
Some of my clients develop sexual trauma, whether it is sex aversion or addiction
This can occur when their parents thought their child was sleeping and they start to engage in sexual intimacy
Which can traumatize the child hearing or seeing such things because they are still awake
One family was sleeping in one single room, and when the father thought everyone was sleeping, started to watch pornography on the television while my client, then a child, was wide awake on the floor
In fact, even if the child isn’t awake and actually sleeping, their unconscious mind is still able to process sounds in the room and assume parents do it so it is good
Causing them to unconsciously seek out similar activities in the future
Over time, they may also develop anxiety, depression, low self-esteem etc along with their sexual trauma of aversion or addiction due to early exposure
I also had a female client, whose mother slept with her in the same bed since young, and interestingly enough, into adulthood as well
She admitted to me that she is a lesbian and like women similar to her mom
While I won’t say this is a cause for having a different sexuality, it is still a cause of concern in some way
Especially when we have no idea what we are doing to our children, that is having negative psychological impacts, even though perhaps there might be some positive signs in the beginning (which we will cover later)
For the parents
Now you might be thinking, the parents can’t have any negative side effects with co-sleeping right?
Well, above you read about how some parents might have sex whilst their child is in the room and that can have a negative impact on the child
However, there are also some parents who decide it is uncomfortable to have sex while the child is in the room
Yet, if they do not continue to have intimacy and romance in their marriage, it is quite possible for their marriage to slowly start to break down
One of my clients claim that his son needs him to sleep, and thus he has been sleeping with his son in his room for several years
Eventually, his wife wants a divorce because of the lack of intimacy and communication
We see both the child’s lack of independent sleeping, or possibly a form of insomnia, and we see the negative impact to the marriage
Another client sleeps with her son often, and she and her husband have a strained marriage, with talks of divorce although they haven’t gone there yet
And I had a client whose baby slept in between her and her husband, however, due to lack of sexual intimacy she ended up cheating and eventually she divorced him as well
Now I agree, it is also possible that the marriage was already failing to some extent, and either parent can be using the child as an excuse not to sleep with their spouse
Across the board, different marriages can be built on different foundations of love
Some want communication, some might place money at the top, regardless we can agree that sex is one of the more important things to sustain a marriage
But that’s not all
This particular study found that mothers who co-sleep with their child had more disturbed and fragmented sleep during the first 18 months as compared to mothers who slept alone
And it’s true when you think about it
You just got a newborn and if you have the infant in the same bed, your sleep might be disturbed with worries whether the baby fall off the bed, you or your spouse rolling onto her, whether she can breathe etc
Not to mention other worries with a newborn, especially if it is your first child
One of my client’s shared that she got anxiety after becoming a mother, with worries on breastfeeding or formula milk, whether she was a good mother or not, how to take care of a newborn etc
That’s why she came to me for hypnosis to help with her postpartum anxiety
Although she didn’t co-sleep with her baby so she didn’t have additional worries but you get my point
Having such worries can impact sleep, and disturbed sleep can affect work performance
It’s a snowball effect
The Pros Of Co-sleeping
For the child
Since humans are social creatures, there is a balance between the physical and emotional needs and in this case, co-sleeping might satisfy both the physical and emotional needs of the infant and the parents
Especially if bed-sharing, the close physical proximity can build stronger bonds between the child and the parents
The infant might even feel safer knowing that both parents, or just the mother, is there
There was even research that showed that infants with co-sleeping for less than 6 months had more negative behaviors (thumb-sucking, pacifier use) and anxiety as compared to infants who co-slept for 6 or more months with lesser anxiety and fewer negative behaviors of thumb-sucking and pacifier use
Even if it is room-sharing, infants might have a sense of the parents being near by, as compared to sleeping in their own room
For now, I do not have any cases of my own to share, that shows that co-sleeping is beneficial for the child
For the parents
Some parents might feel that there is convenience of waking up and immediately being able to attend to the baby for breastfeeding
Some mothers reported syncing with the baby, and wake up just before they cry, which aids in nursing and back to sleep
This is aligned with thinking as the family as a unit, as the “sleep interruptions” are considerably shorter if you do not need to leave the room, hence the whole family can sleep better overall
It is also noted that the parents won’t have worries about the child in another room, because they know they are safe together and this can potentially reduce stress as well
Of course, such family bonding is easiest when the child is still young, and you won’t have such experiences when the child is older for example
So, is co-sleeping good or bad?
All in all, if we look at the research, I think more studies need to be done especially for life-long effects
Most of the studies look into just a few months or below a certain age for a child, so we can’t say for sure based on research what will happen to such children when they grow up into adulthood
The research, if we combine, seems to suggest that co-sleeping for less than 6 months has a negative impact, while co-sleeping from 6 months to about 2 years seem to have a positive effect, before it start to have negative effects again after 2 years
And of course, there are very few studies regarding the effects on the parents too
Mostly it is regarding that period of time for the co-sleeping, and nothing about the impact down the road
That is where my clients’ cases come in, and yet of course, we cannot say that it is conclusive
Whether it be for the parents or the child who grew up, people see me to help them with their issues
And perhaps there might be some people who co-sleep but don’t have issues at all
At the end of it, like I said earlier, take it with an open mind and form your own beliefs about co-sleeping, whether it is good or bad for the child, whether it is good or bad for yourself as a parent
I’ll just end with one piece of advice, whatever you do for your child and the family, as long as it has the intention of love, that is enough
Any other issues that pops up along the way (and it might), just handle it as it comes
We can only do the best we can for them, and that is ok š
