TL;DR: A good white lie can be forgivable, while bad lies sort of depends on your perception, but if your partner is lying to you in an ugly way, leave that person because that is manipulation and wanting to take advantage of you
Honestly the topic of lying in a relationship is pretty loaded and this will just be understanding the intention of why someone might be lying
Now before you go off on how important truth is, and to some extent I agree too, yet sometimes a lie can be better for the relationship, with regards to the feelings of the individuals
Although of course, over the years I have seen several types of lies between couples and so I thought to share with you some of my thoughts about it
So if you are ready, let’s get into the good, the bad, and the ugly of lying in a relationship
1. The Goodness Of A Lie
Why and how do people lie with a good intention?
Well, the simple explanation is that they want to safeguard your feelings
They don’t want you to feel hurt about something, and the white lie is to protect you
It might even be one to boost your confidence
Think of a time where perhaps a parent might bluff their children that their artwork is amazing… but truthfully, it is just a messy artpiece
That was told by the parents to boost their child’s confidence or esteem, and potentially encourage them to get creative
Now you might be thinking, the truth that it is messy might also allow the parents to teach the child how to do proper art…
While that is true… then is it being creative or is it being logical?
A logical piece of art
The lies told in a relationship might range from cooking and how the food tastes, to the appearance like clothes and makeup
It could also relate to work, where one might lie that they do not have work, just to accompany the partner for a meal
Such a statement about not having work might be to protect their partner from disappointment
When the lie isn’t for a selfish reason, where it has a good intention, then perhaps it might be more ok for it
Heck you also need to bluff your partner if you are planning a surprise party for him/her isn’t it?
HAHAHA
2. When A Lie Is Bad
A bad lie comes from a place of selfishness, or wanting to protect oneself
Naturally there is some deception going on, an intent to hide from the partner
For example, one might lie about one’s own achievements to portray a better image during courtship or during a job interview
While we may think that is wrong, at the same time, don’t a lot of people do this?
Like, people want to create a better image, a better impression for the other party, regardless of the purpose
Bad, yet normal, and we can sort of understand where they are coming from
However, if you ask me, I rather you tell the truth from the get go
Because such a lie will eventually break free and the truth will be shown (and known)
And you are more likely to lose the connection as the trust is now broken
I know of several cases where the man tells the woman he wants a family, and so they plan to have a child together
Yet after the child was born, whatever things he said on how he will be a great father and look after the child…
All of that just disappeared
Some still stay in the marriage but there are more fights and arguments, or its a cold war and lack of communication
While others divorce for this and maybe other reasons
If we can interview such guys, and assuming they share the truth, maybe we can understand better
Like what did they say so many things and yet turn out completely different?
3. How Lies Turns Ugly
A lie turns ugly (in my opinion) when the intent is to take advantage of the other person
The level of deception goes into manipulation
A really ugly lie might be someone lying excessively to continue cheating, or avoid getting caught
That’s terrible
Or if one of them lies just to make excuses to continue abusing the other person
That’s a toxic relationship
Even in the previous example, it is also possible that some of such guys had ugly intentions behind wanting to have a family
Something like playing a victim, is pure deceitful acting, to get the other party to feel pity and change their mind
Gaslighting can be also considering lying excessively for manipulation
After all, there will be a lot of untruths told in order to make the victim question their own reality
So What If My Partner Is Lying To Me?
Well honestly if you ask me, I will ask you to look at the type of lies he/she has said or done
And if its the ugly type, break up, divorce, or even ending the relationship might be better for you in the long run
Yes, even if you are married and with a child
And if it’s the good white lies, you might still be ok with closing an eye about it and stay on
However, the bad ones, the in between, that is honestly a bit tricky
It really depends on you and how you feel towards those lies
Because there are some who may have put up a false front during courtship and the truth comes out later right?
You are the one deciding whether you want to stay or not
How important is the new truth?
Do all the other experiences overshadow the real truth?
If you weigh the pros and cons, what is your answer?
You can see that it isn’t so simple either
Whether it is something forgivable or not, it is also based on your own judgement
And let’s not bring in religion for now, just focus on the self
Your self
What feels right in your heart
An Additional Observation About Couples
You see, sometimes when people come to see me, it isn’t because they want to see me
Rather it was their partner that want them to see me
And we get an interesting observation where… sometimes the client might lie to the partner about the therapy session
One client said that his wife said he is avoiding me, and thus, he want to prove her wrong
Which obviously anyone can read and know that the hypnosis wouldn’t work!
Another client didn’t want to resolve his issue, yet couldn’t tell the truth to the partner, and thus, kept going to multiple therapies and kept saying the therapies didn’t work on the issue at all
Yet this only creates frustration and stress between the two of them
Now in the earlier example, I will say its an ugly lie, because he want to prove her wrong so he made the appointment for the hypnosis
There is some level of manipulation there
Now in the second example, it might be a bit tricky
For one, I do not know of the partner’s character
Maybe the partner is extremely violent and will beat my client for not making an attempt to resolve his issue
Or perhaps my client wanted to have some peace in the house and that’s why he cannot tell the truth that he don’t want to resolve the issue
I don’t know cause they didn’t want to tell me the truth either
It could be a bad lie for protecting themselves, for self-preservation
It may not be considered an ugly type of lie
But what say you?
Share your thoughts and let’s learn together!
