In fact, it may not only be narcissists and abusers who use the DARVO manipulation strategy so it will be good for you to be aware as you can recognize the signs
Now of course, you probably already heard of and know of something called gaslighting which is a toxic behavior trait
And naturally, gaslighting can be seen in relationships with lovers, or even in the workspace environment
And learning how to recognize such toxic traits is crucial to your own mental health and well-being
Today I will share about the DARVO manipulation strategy so you can recognize it when it’s being done onto you!
By the way, if you are reading this, please don’t do this on other people… purely to raise awareness ok?
And remember, you might see this in a relationship or among friends, or even in your family or at work
Oh yea, you can probably share this with someone who you think might be involved with a narcissist or abuser
Hopefully it helps them to open their eyes and get out of the toxic relationship!
Read on, learn, and be aware so you can better protect yourself
First off, what is DARVO?
DARVO is an acronym to describe a three step process of manipulation
It is an “excellent” tool to justify the offender’s wrongdoings as if it wasn’t their fault
Rather, they will shift the blame and accountability to the victim instead
Anyway, here’s what DARVO stands for
- D – Deny. The offender will deny all wrongdoings, and void all responsibility for their actions. They will either claim you were mistaken (which denies the act itself) or claim the intent wasn’t for that (which denies the intent or thought process). They will reject or deflect all faults of theirs, and the consequences as a result of their actions.
- A – Attack. The offender will now attack the victim more, in an attempt to distract the victim from continuing the above claims. This shifts the attention from the offender’s wrongdoings, to the victim’s issues instead. Such attacks are not necessarily physical, like attacking the victim’s character or mentality, their past actions, or their ethics etc. This can cause the victim to doubt their own reasonings and thoughts, and may also question their own reality.
- RVO – Reverse Victim & Offender. Now the offender will reverse the roles, as if they are the victim, and the true victim was the offender. This skillful art of manipulation has been carefully crafted and the offender will now claim whatever actions they had done as a result of the victim’s abuse or harm onto them. This gives them a free pass to commit more wrongdoings, and makes the true victim believing themselves to be a “bad person”, instead of recognizing the offender as one.
How Does DARVO Play Out?
Just to help put in greater context, here are a couple of case studies so you can visualize it better
And yes, these are real cases with real people, just that some details or information are carefully omitted
Case Study 1
John and Natalie were in a relationship and although the start seem good, it quickly went South
Natalie will frequently be scolding John for everything, whether or not he had a part to play
If he did it, he get scolded, and if he didn’t, he will get scolded too
When John starts to question the verbal abuse, Natalie denied that it was verbal abuse
She will then counterattack John by saying “he wasn’t a man”, “how weak is he” thereby undermining his character and personality
Natalie claimed that it was John’s responsibility to provide the finances of the relationship, and that he wasn’t doing enough, even though John did many things and had been paying for all their meals
Here we see how Natalie was verbally abusing John for unrelated matters, as well as accusing him of other things
Yet when John asked why was he treated like this, Natalie defends herself and attacks him further
So we can see how the deny and attack elements of DARVO played out in this relationship
Although perhaps the reversal of roles might seem unclear
Case 2
Peter and Mary were married and had 2 kids, however they divorced in the end
Mary described the relationship with Peter as verbally and sexually abusive, and she also believe him to be a narcissist
During the marriage, he needed her to do everything as if she was a servant, and if things were not done good enough, she will be scolded excessively
He will also use her as he wished whenever he wanted sex, whether or not she was busy
Any attempts at proper communication are met with Peter’s denials, and eventually his beratement
Mary had ideas to report to the police, but Peter will claim that she was the one who refused his sexual advances, that cause him to be frustrated and angry, so to him, she is causing him to be abusive
This caused Mary to be stuck and trapped in the marriage for over 10 years before she managed to divorce
We can make an interesting note that Peter tend to use Mary for sex whenever he wanted, yet he claimed that she denied him of sex which got him “frustrated and angry”
This is an example of how the roles of the victim and the offender got reversed
Case 3
Sara grew up in a family of four, and she has an older sister
However, life wasn’t so good growing up in this family
Her mom believes herself to be amazing and of high status, and looks down on everyone else
This also cause her mom to be verbally and physically abusive to her two daughters
On top of that, Sara’s older sister learnt her mom’s traits, and also exhibit the same behavior traits on her girlfriend, as well as on Sara
Sara recounted when she was an adult and came home late one night, and her mom slapped her face as she scolded her
She has been frequently put down by both her mom and her older sister with words like “useless”, “stupid”, “a waste of space”, and “sensitive”
Although Sara didn’t talk to the family about it, you can probably guess that they will likely scold her more, as if her “uselessness” cause them to scold her so she can learnt better
Thereby creating a victim mentality in Sara, among having other issues like anxiety and depression
Spotting The Signs of DARVO
Now hopefully the case studies help you to understand the DARVO manipulation strategy better
Something you must understand is that if you encounter someone who frequently denies responsibility and accountability, it may not be that they are exhibiting DARVO just yet
Because the fact is, there are some people who don’t want to be held accountable for their own actions
I will suggest that you spot at least 2 of the 3 above signs, especially the reverse victim and offender bit
Naturally, if you spot someone exhibiting all 3 signs, they are definitely using this manipulation strategy
Even though the above case studies illustrate how narcissists and abusers can be seen in relationships and family, DARVO might still be seen in other cases
For example, a cheater might deny any form of cheating when caught, before attacking the partner for causing them to cheat in the first place
Maybe the cheater might even claim the partner refused them attention, love and sex and that’s why they cheat
In such relationships, the best is really to exit the relationship
Because even if you get them to go for therapy, they will likely spin a story that makes them out to be a victim instead
And they can be pretty convincing…
After all, they need to be extremely skillful to reverse the role of victim and offender, so they know how to paint that picture well
If you know anyone who is stuck in such a relationship, share this with them, let them be aware, so they can get out of the relationship
Helplines
Here are some numbers you can call if you need help
National Anti-Violence & Sexual Harassment Helpline: 1800-777-0000 or make an online report
Aware Women’s Helpline: 1800-777-5555
Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 9151 1767
