Why Do I Find Unavailable Men Attractive?

Or even finding unavailable women attractive for that matter

Now if you ever experience this before, or know someone who have been through this before

Where their partner is usually unavailable for them

Whether physically, emotionally, and some might even say, spiritually

Then you might understand what’s happening

But if you have no idea exactly what it means, then I share some of what others might be going through

Here are some signs that you might see (in yourself or your friend) when there is an “unavailable partner”

1. They seem to be stuck at work
   • Whether it’s during the relationship phase, or even after marriage, they seem to be stuck at work all the time
   • Probably the most common excuse that they have no time for you, or they have to attend to something happening at work
   • Either physically not around (cause at work) or even if physically with you, their mind (and spirit) is elsewhere or on the phone about work
2. They make all sorts of excuses not to be with you
   • This is more random to be honest, other than work excuse above, they might give other forms of excuses like they have commitment issues
   • Perhaps one might claim sickness or down with something in order not to spend time with you, perhaps dealing with past trauma
   • Or if they are physically with you, seem to be moody so they don’t communicate with you or just lash out first before walking away (among other things)
   • They might also claim to be busy with something, and either you have no idea what is it, or you do know but they are spending more time with that something than you
3. They actually have a partner elsewhere
   • They could be married already and you are the 3rd party, or vice versa, you both are married and he/she is spending time with their 3rd party
   • Of course, it can be a physical partner or an online/overseas one
4. They seem cold and distant
   • This can be observable sometimes even during the dating phase or relationship phase
   • They don’t seem to express much emotion or even care about you
   • Sometimes they might even seem self-centred, “it’s all about me”
5. They are not responsive
   • Whether it’s messages or calls, they seem to be busy doing something and unable to respond to your text or pick up your call all the time
   • The key is the frequency of it happening, because sometimes one can really be busy with something and unable to respond fast enough, but it’s normal if it’s like maybe once in a blue moon
   • It’s when it happens every day (or once every few days depending) that’s a possible indicator

Now even if you know some of the signs (not exhaustive), so what?

How did you (or your friend) end up in such a relationship anyway?

Especially if you (or your friend) notice your partner is unavailable

And here’s the kicker…

You still choose to stay with that person…

You give all sorts of possible reasons, or in a state of denial, just so you can stay with such a person

Do you want to know why this occurs?

Here’s the weird thingamajig behind it all

When I meet my clients with this same issue

Whether they are unavailable for their partner and they want to change that

Or whether their partner is unavailable, and they come crying to me why their relationship is so hurtful :'(

There is this weird common trend that I notice in their background

And no, not necessary due to past bad relationships (some yes but not all)

Surprisingly, it’s actually how their parents interact with each other in their relationship, and with the family as a whole

Sounds weird at first, but when you look deeper, you will understand

You see, generally speaking, a boy will learn and model after the father, while the girl will learn and model after the mother

And they learn from how the parents interact with each other, as a basis for relationships in the future

And yes, this is just a general statement for now, there are exceptions, which is another story and topic altogether

For now, let’s just stick with this first ok?

So in most households, the father will be the breadwinner, and the mom the housewife (especially in the past)

Although now we are shifting to both mom and dad as the ones earning the money, and the maid, grandparents, or another caretaker to look after the child

Then we have the exceptional few where the mom is the sole breadwinner and the dad is the one taking care of the house and family

So many exceptions, I cannot go through all of them unfortunately, so bear with me

In a household where one or the other is working, the child might observe only one parent – the one at home

However, if the working parent is too involved at work, coming home really late, or working on weekends, and just not spending time with the child, the spouse or the family

What do you think the child might learn from this?

The child may learn to be distant from other people, or distant from the family, or be so involved in work and give up family matters

Which, when they grow up, can translate into a pattern of being unavailable for the spouse

You might notice I’m being gender neutral here 😀

And it can affect anyone really

And what happens, as a sad result, is that the child gets so used to not having that parent around, that they end up seeking that same environment when they grow up

Meaning, they unconsciously seek an unavailable partner to be with

They find someone who is unavailable attractive!

Someone who is already married, or so focused at work, unable to be with them physically, emotionally or spiritually

Or sexually I suppose

Which sounds paradoxical or even like a weird contradiction

Because intrinsically, they want to find someone to love… and yet they find people who are unavailable or cannot show love…

Sounds weird… and sad… but it exists…

In fact, the title of this blog was an exact question asked by such a woman

“Why do I find unavailable men attractive?”

And another lady years ago asked me a similar question

“Why men don’t stay in my life?”

Because she married and divorced a few times already

So what about you?

What if you have something similar in your mind and you have no idea how to find out?

Look at your relationships (past and current) and reflect

1. Do you or your partner have the tendency to rather run away or avoid problems, as compared to solving them?
2. Have you or your partner request to only communicate or meet once every few weeks or months? (This is a permanent thing, not temporary like need a break kind)
3. The idea or action of romance makes you cringe
4. The idea or action of being open and vulnerable scares you
5. You get irritated when your partner responds too fast

This list isn’t exhaustive, and heck to be honest, there could be other reasons for why you have such behaviours or thought patterns too

The human mind is both complex and simple at the same time

Hmm… maybe I might write about that next~ ha~ (Edited: I did! Click to read)

Anyway if you do realize that

“Hey maybe I do have something like that”

Then the next question is… do you want to change?

For the better of course

Knowing is half the battle, application is another

Or in this case, being aware of a problem means you can figure out, or seek guidance or help to resolve it

Rather than you have no idea there is a problem and be blinded to it eh~

Being aware doesn’t mean the problem is solved – you still need to take some form of action

Whether it’s to seek help from someone, or attending courses, or read self help books etc

You get the picture

So if you do realize there is a problem, go read and learn more if you need to

Then figure out the next best course of action

Til then, take care and I wish you the best~