Ok this might be a bit late but at the same time, the story I will share later happened after Valentine’s
Of course, with the tradition of the Lunar New Year celebrations, we want to have a positive start to the New Year!
We avoid “bad luck” or “bad energy” but avoiding arguments, breaking of items, wearing the color black etc
But what happens if you have a fight with your partner?
And not only is it Valentine’s, it’s also the Lunar New Year~~
That’s what happened to one of my clients!
(Side track, I wrote an article on how to deal with a break up and because Valentine’s is one of 5 times a year for most break ups)
Here’s The Tea
Although I personally prefer coffee
So my client Elizabeth and her boyfriend Fred (names changed to protect identity) have been together for about 2 years and things are going well
Of course, they have had some issues before, but that’s part and parcel of a relationship isn’t it?
Most of their fights revolve around their friends though
Personally, I haven’t met Fred so these are some of my deductions which may or may not be correct
But it sort of fits
You see, Fred seems to have a high emphasis on making Elizabeth and his friends become friends
So they will hang out quite often
If in a normal context, it might be considered fairly normal
However, if his friends are having a gathering, and he cannot attend, he will like it or prefer if Elizabeth can go
Now among his friends, and I guess in most friend groups, there is a joker
Let’s just call him Joker
Obviously the Joker will crack jokes and make people laugh, but sometimes, the Joker does say some hurtful things just to make people laugh
Usually the one being made fun of will feel the hurt, whether or not the Joker realizes it (usually no), and whether or not the group realizes it (it depends)
Unfortunately, it will seem that the Joker makes fun of Elizabeth quite often
To be fair, maybe he makes fun of everyone in the group, but to Elizabeth, it will seem to be frequently on her
Anyway, she decided enough was enough
Why is the Joker making fun of her and her boyfriend Fred isn’t doing anything to protect her?
She had a private chat with Fred and to her surprise, Fred said she is oversensitive and its all just for fun
This wasn’t the first time
Now before you suggest to break up, we got to look at how we can attempt a resolution first
Thankfully both of them love each other and they put in effort to change for the better
They will spend time to think about the incident (whichever it was) and communicate with each other clearly what happened and how they feel about it
So they got a good conflict management system going but of course, as with emotions like sadness and anger
Sometimes the emotion can get the better of anyone in the heat of the moment
The recent fight was regarding another of Fred’s friends and of course, both Elizabeth and Fred are upset at each other
And she texted me about it seeking advice what to do, what to say
I told her to cool down and then communicate
You see, when we still hold onto anger and communicate as such, it usually escalates the issue instead of finding some way to resolve the conflict
Of course, you might think it is common sense but when you are feeling angry it isn’t easy to recall this
I also asked Elizabeth to share some of the recent stuff that happened (that she has yet to share with me)
And this allowed me to not only have a clearer picture, but also to remind her of certain things
Like how much Fred has changed for her, because he love her
And she realized this too
Regardless of how old we are, we are still learning about ourselves and the people around us
She wanted to text him some stuff but asked me to look at it to edit and I got her to tone down some of the wordings and emotions
This helps in conflict management
Yes, she might still be feeling some of the anger but when we want to resolve conflict, we talk about the behaviours that made us uncomfortable, not about the person
The behaviours and the person are separate, different entities if you will
“I don’t like this behaviour that you do”
“I don’t like you when you do this”
When you read these two sentences, take note of how it makes you feel and you will know what I mean
Thankfully she asked me to vet her message and we took some time to edit because when Fred finally texted her, it was an apology message!
He shared that he was feeling frustrated at an isolated incident and unfortunately, snapped at her when his friend and her issue came up
(Which was my deduction and I shared with her during the chat too)
Since he realized he made a mistake, he apologised
And since she hasn’t send her message to him, I told her to edit out the part where she ask for an apology
So all is well now~
Truthfully, fights between couples can happen and it is normal, it is ok
Of course, if the frequency of the argument is high, like every day, that isn’t good
And if the argument leads to physical violence, that isn’t good either
If you have been in the relationship for quite some time and there are no observable changes, while the fights just get worse over time, you might want to rethink the relationship
Now Elizabeth has learnt quite a fair bit about managing conflict within a relationship so here are some quick pointers in case you didn’t catch it in the above (or I didn’t share it)
- if you need some time from each other to calm down, go ahead (not all conflicts can resolve on the spot)
- find someone neutral to chat with, to help you see from alternate perspectives
- clear communication helps with resolving the conflict and finding solutions (if any)
- separate behaviours from the person
- if you typing a message, put it aside for some time then relook to edit
- remember the love, especially the small actions
- forgive and move on when possible
Hopefully this helps you (or someone you know) better manage their relationship conflict!
Happy Lunar New Year and Valentine’s~
