Wait McKing, isn’t Valentine’s Day round the corner? Why you want to talk about break ups?
I know right~ 😀
You know, I was thinking what to write for my next blog cause Valentine’s Day is indeed round the corner and thus, love is in the air~
Or maybe I should be saying… love is in the Google search engine
Yes, there is probably more people searching for love, relationship and Valentine’s Day gifts around this time
Cough cough which means it will be better if I got a topic on love
Smart eh hehehe
However, I already wrote something about relationships and cheating for Brainz Magazine!
So I’m really squeezing my brain juices at this point
Then I decided to reflect upon myself and my relationships
At this time of writing, I’m single but when I think back on my relationships, I realized something bizarre!!
All my exes broke up with me in March!
So I started thinking… if it’s possible that while love is in the air, it also increase the chances of a break up?
I concluded that it made some sense because after Valentine’s Day is over, some people might realize they don’t want to be with this person anymore
Or another possibility is that they wanted to “end on a good note” so they waited until after Valentine’s Day then break up
2nd ex for example, wanted to break up after we had a good holiday, it was so that we will have one last good memory
That’s what she said
Anyway, an idea in mind will need some proof although it made some sense so what else but time to Google for additional proof~
Reading a few articles, it seems that it is quite true!
Other than Valentine’s Day being common for break ups to occur, next is March (that is d@mn true for me), then November to December which is also Christmas and New Year’s
Some sites have Spring Break and Summer Holiday break up but since we are in Singapore, shrug, no idea if that’s still true eh~
Anyway, so that’s why I decided to write about break ups 😀
That was a long introduction about it ahem…
So how to deal with a break up?
First of all, understand that you need time
Whether it is time to process what just happen, time to cope, time to move on etc
Time may not necessary heal, but it can aid the process of healing
So absolutely do not suddenly find a new lover, or have sex with random people especially if you haven’t given yourself time!!
You are only filling up the hole with someone else, and that might be similar to a rebound, which will hurt you and maybe the new partner as well
Here are some break up tips you can do
- Clean your house or room
- Meet and chat with your friends and/or family
- Pick up a new hobby
- Read a book
Most people will recommend the following but to me, these are just temporary
Because to me, they are avoiding the pain of a break up
In a way, I can understand doing some of the above, but because it could be seen as a type of pain avoidant behaviour or running away from facing the problem, this means that the pain will last longer
When my exes broke up with me, I sit with the pain and hurt
I analyzed what went wrong, what went right, whether there was anything I could have done better, or what is underlying both our minds
If there was something I can learn and change about myself, I can do it
However, if the issue lies with my ex, then it is more for me to understand that it was her issue, and that she was just saying stuff to make it seem like my issue
This allowed me to heal faster from my break ups, from the hurt and pain
Even now I can think about them or talk about them and feel calm about it
Hence, my personal tips will be the following
- Accept and acknowledge the hurt and pain – it hurts because there is love and he/she doesn’t want to be with you anymore
- Understand that whatever he/she said to you may or may not be true, need to self-analyze or seek someone to help analyze the situation
- Forgive him/her for hurting you and breaking up, and forgive yourself too
The trickiest part might be number 3, forgiving your ex, and forgiving yourself
Of course, these are rather generic and may not be helpful in certain unique circumstances of the relationship
Now I want you to remember, that forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget about your ex
Forgiveness is about healing yourself
It is about releasing the stuff between you and your ex, what you both did or didn’t do, that was hurtful to one another
So forgiveness is never about the other person, and it’s definitely not about getting answers from the other person
Wanting answer is mainly for your own ego, and even then, knowing those answers doesn’t mean you can forgive or want to forgive
One of my exes was abusive to me, and when she broke up with me, yes, I still felt depressed and heartbroken about it
My own analysis or realizations was that she pretended to by someone she was not, in order to “lure” me in, because she was attracted to me first (she admitted that)
After which, I also realized that I did the best I could because I didn’t know enough, allowing myself to be “tricked” (for lack of a better word)
But yes, she was honestly rather manipulative
Anyhoo, after realizing such things, I felt I was depressed and moping around way too long, and decided to forgive her for hurting me in such a manner, and to forgive myself for allowing it to happen, or not stopping and leaving earlier
Although it was a few months later where I realized since I don’t know much about girls, I can consider putting myself “out there”
In that sense, I had actionable steps or an actionable plan to improve myself, because truthfully I was lacking in understanding girls (heck I might still be but I’m better than last time at least XD)
And it helped me to better understand my subsequent relationships too
Ok, before we end off for today, a word of caution!!
If you have gone through a few relationships and noticed a particular relationship pattern occurring, please seek help!
Whether it’s to a psychologist, a counsellor, or me, such relationship patterns may run deeper than just relationships, it could even be from your parents!
Hence, getting the right expert to help you to resolve such patterns will be key to positive relationships in the future!
Here’s a quick case study
A client came to me with the question, “Why men don’t stay in my life?”
Long story short, she got married and divorced 3 times and she was quite upset however she noticed a common pattern among them
She will stay with them for 3 months before being separated for 3 years and then subsequently divorcing them
She came to me for hypnosis to resolve such issues, and that was back in 2017
Now she’s happily married!!
That’s an example of how finding the right expert to help resolve your negative relationship patterns (if you notice them) can help you have positive relationships in the future 🙂
Lastly, whether you are single or attached, Valentine’s Day is not just love between couples, I personally think it includes self-love too
So remember to love yourself and be well 🙂