TLDR: Of course the foundation of a relationship has to be love but let’s also look at what terrible reasons people give when questioned about their relationship
You’ll be surprised how so many couples seem to be so good together and yet, it collapses eventually
I recall years ago on Facebook, I saw a photo of a friend and his girlfriend
And he was posting about how happy and loving they were
However, in that photo, I saw his girlfriend’s face
Signs of faked happiness
And I thought to myself, the girlfriend will break up with him soon
Some time passed and he posted he proposed to her and she accepted!
For a moment, I thought wow I was wrong
Yet shortly after, he posted the girlfriend broke up the engagement and with him and they parted on supposedly good terms
I believe a lot of people thought they were good together especially with his postings about love and relationship
Yet they broke up in the end
Why is that so?
A lot of people might say stuff like things change, communication break down etc
I think there is a fundamental issue at stake here which most people don’t realize
Which is the foundation of the relationship
To be fair, I didn’t talk to him or his ex on how they got together
But I am shocked when I chat with clients about their relationship
And I realized they are missing a lot of points
Sometimes the reason for getting into a relationship is far more important than you think
Let’s look at 5 terrible reasons for getting into a relationship (or getting married)
1. It’s the next stage of life
This is actually not a good basis for finding a relationship or even to get married or even to have a baby while we are at it
A lady came to me wanting hypnosis to find where she misplaced her engagement ring
However, when she shared how she lost it in the mall, by putting it on a hook while trying some clothes
That made me realized that perhaps, she unconsciously wanted to lose the ring!
When I asked her, why do you want to marry this man?
Her reply was, “It’s the next stage of life”
And I asked her again, for more reasons
But she asked me back
“What do people normally say?”
Essentially, if this is the only reason you want to get a relationship, or marry, or have a baby…
Don’t…
Because this reason makes it seems like you are following a list of how to live life
But because your emotions, your values, your true beliefs aren’t met
Are you then living your life or the life of someone else?
And your unconscious mind will generate stuff
If one will do something just because it is the next stage of life, yet it doesn’t align with the unconscious mind, it deems it as a threat or a problem
So the unconscious mind will generate solutions, but to you the solutions are problems because it is hindering “your next stage of life”
Like the above lady, she doesn’t love the man and only marrying him because it is the next stage of life
Thus, her unconscious mind want to save her from such a loveless marriage by losing the engagement ring
Imagine what might happen during the marriage itself
Arguments? Cheating? Lack of communication?
Anything’s possible
2. I don’t think I can find someone else
This particular statement comes up when one has low self esteem or low confidence and the other party might be abusive or cheating
The one with low self esteem might then use such a statement to justify staying with the other party in spite of the abuse or cheating
This victim mentality can come from several sources resulting in low self esteem
Such as physical traits or appearances, to emotional baggage, or even childhood trauma and abuse
It will be ideal for them to go for therapy or counselling to address the root source and resolve the low self esteem
In doing so, they can love themselves better and thus, understand when it is time to let go of a terrible partner
I remember one client whose boyfriend was a married man and even though he was verbally abusive and even accused her of cheating
She still want to stick with him simply because, she believed she cannot be loved at all and that she cannot find another person to love her
It wasn’t possible to help her for this case unfortunately
This is because she came to me for hypnosis to recover possible memories where she might have cheated on him
Truthfully she didn’t, but he gaslighted her into believing she may have cheated on him without her knowing
She didn’t want to give him up or let him go, so my words fell on deaf ears
Even though he was the cheater, abuser and gaslighter and projecting his own insecurities onto her instead
Because she truly believed she cannot find anyone else, she chose to stick to this man
3. I don’t want to waste time finding someone else
This is another sad statement or reason for staying in a relationship or getting married
They recognize the partner isn’t for them, maybe even having bad traits or just no longer loving each other
However, they decided to stick to their partner because they don’t want to spend time searching and establishing another relationship
I have quite a few clients who shared this statement before
The classic scenario is that they have been together for 5 to 8 years or so and unfortunately, there are no more feelings for each other in the relationship
However, because so much time had been spent together, they don’t want to break up and spend another few years with the next relationship
So they choose to stick with this one even though the relationship has gone sour
Some will end up cheating, or create more distance in the relationship, arguing, or verbal abuse
Alternative, there will be a lot of acting involved
A pretense that all is fine and well
A pretense of happiness and joy and love when there is none
But because there is no more love and happiness
The internal hurt will just increase over time
4. If I break up, he/she won’t be able to find anyone else
Yes, you heard this right
This can be either a hero/heroine complex or based on pity, or even both
I recall a male client who shared this with me
Pitying his then girlfriend and choosing to marry her because he felt that if they broke up, she won’t be able to find anyone else
Subsequently he abused her verbally because there wasn’t any love to begin with
I also had a female client who shared this
She later cheated on him because again, there was no love
If there is a hero or heroine complex, it can get quite complicated
I had a client who shared her story of her relationship with her then boyfriend, as well as his exes
And I realized her then boyfriend might have a hero complex
Essentially means he need to be with a damsel in distress, perhaps to save the day or just to be with a wounded female partner
However, this ironically means he cannot be with a healed female partner
And thus he initially disagreed with her seeking therapy to heal
Because he needs her to be damaged, to be wounded, to have issues
Even if she heal through therapy or hypnosis, he will blow up, scold, and thus, reopen the emotional wounds again
Although I went off on a tangent, it is still possible that if someone has a hero or heroine complex, or pitied the other party
The relationship will still end up either with abuse or cheating involvement
Because there wasn’t love to begin with
This might be more of an ego thing
5. It’s a matter of responsibility and duty
This is also pretty classic
Essentially its “a shotgun marriage”
What this means is that the couple got pregnant before marriage, and thus, due to responsibility or duty or similar, they have to get married
Again, there may or may not be love in this instance
Especially if the couple were together more for lust rather than love
And the pressure of having a kid accelerates the marriage
When perhaps there might not have been enough time to gauge and have a feel for each other
Whether there is real love, or not to begin with
If there is love, great, if not, there may be issues
A male client came to me with anger issues, scolding or shouting at this wife over the past 20 or so years
And when we understand it is due to the above as mentioned, it makes sense again
If you truly love someone, you won’t be scolding or shouting at your partner excessively right?
Not to mention the possibilities of cheating, abuse, which trickles down to the child too
There was a female client who had a shotgun marriage with her husband
However, he drinks and tends to have more verbal abuse when drunk
Sometimes he says things which hurt the children too
She ended up cheating on him as well
Again, this is all because the foundation of the relationship was not love
So what’s the right foundation for a relationship?
It might seem cliche but the answer is love
If you or your partner cannot identify or feel love as the reason for being together, for staying together
Then you might consider relationship counselling, or just to end things and move on
I kid you not
The number of relationships I have seen that result in abuse, cheating, arguments, and so on because there was no love to begin with, or it died along the way is pretty high
What if one partner still love the other?
That’s rough too
Because if the other partner doesn’t love back, they might abuse, cheat, or create issues as well
And the one who loves, will stay thinking they will change or its just a phase
Which increases the length of suffering
So while it might sound harsh, I will still say the same thing
Either go for relationship counselling and see if it can somehow spark love back
(Although I personally think its very hard to do so… I cannot hypnotize someone to fall in love, can a counsellor spark love back if there is no love anymore?)
Otherwise, its easier to end things, grieve a bit if needed, and move on
The sooner you let go, the easier and faster you can prepare yourself for a better relationship
And if you are the one who don’t love your partner anymore?
I think its better to be honest now and end things on a good note
Rather than create negative experiences if there is cheating or abuse later on
